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Programs & Services
• FEBRUARY 15, 2010
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Winter/Spring 2010 |
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Love Magic & Mudpies by Bernie Siegel, MD The reason I wrote a book about parenting is because of the hypnotic effect parents’ words have upon their children. For many years as a surgeon and participant in support groups for people with life threatening illnesses, I have listened to the destructive messages with which most people have grown up. I come from a minority group. I was loved by my parents who gave me mottos to live by; I did well in school and got along with God. When I asked my workshop participants what mottos they live by someone interrupted me and said, “You didn’t ask us what mottos we are dying by.” Up to the age of six, a child’s brain wave pattern is similar to that of a hypnotized individual and those early messages are very powerful and difficult for most to eliminate even when they become conscious and have the ability to choose a different belief system. Prior to their birth, infants are aware of the environment they are about to enter because of what they hear. This can be used in a positive way too with music and stories played during pregnancy. It is also very useful preoperatively which helps the children get through delivery and surgery with less pain and need for anesthetic agents. In the early 1950s a group of Harvard students were asked to rate and describe the degree of parental caring they had experienced. Thirty five years later 29% of individuals who used many positive words and also rated their their parents high in parental caring, had diseases diagnosed in midlife. For those who used few positive words and also rated their parents low in parental caring, 95% had diseases diagnosed in midlife. Addictions and self-destructive behavior come from negative messages; not to mention the overt sexual and physical abuse to which many unfortunate children are subjected. The following are some of those messages: “You embarrass us and will never amount to anything.” “You are only allowed to wear dark colors so no one will notice you.” “Don’t get too happy because life is filled with troubles and something bad always follows something good.” To quote a victim of the above type of parenting, “My mother’s words were eating away at me and maybe gave me cancer.” A lack of closeness to parents does predict disease in later life. So I wrote a practical book to help people avoid these mistakes. The book shows individuals how to reparent themselves and crgroeate children who are sensitive to the world and their feelings. When children are loved and nurtured they develop a normal nervous system and do not need violence, food, drugs or alcohol to feel alive and get attention. I consider all the authority figures in our lives to be our parents. A great deal of what I have to say is about our biological parents but it is also about our teachers, clergy, physicians and others who have authority over us. As a pediatric surgeon, I realized the power that words have to heal or kill. “Wordswordswords” can become swords that cure or kill. I would tell children that the alcohol sponge I wiped their skin with before drawing blood would numb their skin. One third had numbness, another third said it didn’t help much and the final third said it didn’t work. I would tell children they would go to sleep in the O.R. and many of them fell asleep as we wheeled them into the room. One boy flipped over onto his stomach as we entered and went to sleep. When I rolled him over to operate he said, “You told me I would go to sleep and I sleep on my stomach.” He made an exception for me when I told him I couldn’t reach his appendix from the back. Last but not least at the end of the procedure I would say, “You will wake up comfortable, thirsty and hungry.” I had to change that due to weight gain on the part of my patients and add “but you won’t finish everything on your plate.” I think the combination of love and humor is what we all need to grow up with in order to develop a sense of self -worth and esteem. So I do not have to like what one of our children has done while I continue to love him. My words are not about what is wrong with the child, but about their actions. Childlike humor which does not offend helps us all get through the day. I loved asking our five children, “Do you know why your mother and I will never get a divorce? And when they asked why not I would answer, “Because neither one of us wants the children.” That usually got them to quiet down. Love, Magic & Mudpies has a few pages devoted to each topic, followed by practical exercise for parents to apply and make magic. When all the world’s children are raised with love, the problems of this planet will cease. As a parent, grandparent, teacher and mentor, you can start right now making a positive difference for a better, happier generation tomorrow... To order Love Magic & Mudpies, visit www.ecap-online.org. The book is currently on sale for $13.95 (regular price is $17.95)
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